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Are you chronically unsure of yourself or forever second-guessing everything you do? Do you never feel empowered to make decisions that you know are correct, but you fear backlash and/or contempt for these decisions? Does it constantly feel like you are walking on eggshells or oppressed somehow but you just can’t put your finger on….why?
It’s quietly insidious. Until recently the term narcissism was not tossed around nearly as frequently as it is now, but it was a revelation to me and millions of people like me. The People Pleasers! The favorite targets and easiest prey for narcissists. We are always meticulous about going the extra mile to make sure we make our family, friends, bosses and even co-workers happy and comfortable with our contributions to any event or project. We feel a sense of contentedness once we have achieved this because it will, in theory, bring us peace of mind. But yet, despite our best efforts, something lurks beneath the surface and acts as a constant disruption to our feelings of contentment and achievement. There seems to be a sense that we are found to be lacking in some way. We are intuitively picking up this energy from certain people around us. They may not have even spoken a word…yet…but the frequency is on high volume and we are picking it up. It always comes to a head eventually, but it starts with non-verbal and eventually transmutes into verbal cues. The Pleasers can pick up and cut through it with a knife even before a word is said!
If you have ever experienced this “less than” feeling or nervousness around certain people or certain situations, you MAY have encountered a Narcissist. Narcissists can be found in many families and most offices around the world, but they are not always easily identified…at first. I had one person described them this wayL Street Angel, House Devil. They at first can present them selves as the life of the party so jovial and funny and witty…. then the big reveal! There are many definitions of what a narcissist is but collectively they all say that:
Narcissists lack empathy and thrive on the admiration of others. While this comes off as a little simplistic, because many people desire admiration from others, but narcissists seem to take this to another level. Why is it that people pleasers (empaths) end up in their path so often? Narcissists are sensitive only for themselves whereas empaths are sensitive about the whole world. Most of the empaths are not aware of this quiet courtship and manipulation…they eventually know that they always keep taking on the guilt and blame in these relationships…until they break! Then comes the great awakening!
Signs and Characteristics of a Home or Office Narcissist
• It’s all about me: I will always know more about any topic…than you. I know better. I have a more interesting perspective. When we begin talking about your new job, we will quickly transition to my very important job and I will prattle on in a monologue lost in my quests and achievements that have brought me to the great notoriety that I enjoy today! Additionally, please keep in mind that when I want something, I need to have it immediately. I am unconcerned about how you feel about it; it’s all about me. Please remember how important I am and you are here mostly to serve me. • Rules don’t apply to me: I can drive over speed limit in a neighborhood, cut into a line where others are waiting, not come into the office on time (provide no excuse whatsoever for my tardiness) when others have to, ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want.. Rules are for other people to follow. I am above all average citizens and therefore special accommodations are made for me by virtue of my greatness. • Your concerns are interpreted as criticism and you should know, I won’t accept criticism: Now you must understand, I will criticize you as often as I see fit—but if you criticize me you’re maliciously trying to hurt me, so I will get you back. If you say you are at all unhappy (at home or at the workplace), that’s a veiled shot at me. Since you exist in my world, I’m the one who matters the most here so you must be attacking me! You will pay for not appreciating my greatness for what it is. I will watch you fall and be unaffected by it. You deserve that. • I have a quick temper—but when I get angry, it’s because of you. I’m right. I’ve been victimized!! Again! You’re wrong. So when things go wrong between us, it’s always your fault….I won’t apologize or take blame. I’m above reproach. I will go down with the ship before I will consider or admit that I may have contributed to a problem; I’ll get mad and punish you…by ghosting you or sabotaging you in some other way (at the office, or at home). I will blame others when anything goes wrong. Blaming shifting and fault-finding in others is better than growing from it. I must stay comfortable (in my own echo-chamber). • I am pretend listening: What I want and what I have to say are all that matters. When we make decisions, what you want, your concerns, your feelings—these are irrelevant. When we discuss important issues, my opinions and my ideas are right. Yours are wrong, or unimportant. Your input is seen as an attack on me. I will pretend to listen while simultaneously dismissing, ignoring and minimizing your comments. When I have heard enough I will jump in and talk over you and mentally erase and delete all of your foolish ideas from reality because….as you can clearly see, I’m bored with it and I can only be nice or tolerant for so long. • I need constant praise and admiration..and you don’t: I am superior to you and I anticipate that you will want to provide for me a steady stream of applause and recognition to keep me comfortable and satisfied. An occasional compliment is not enough. I only have people pleasers surrounding me because they are willing to cater to my insatiable need for affirmation. (Do you think this suit looks great on me? This was a brilliant strategy I came up with for this project…don’t you agree?) Don’t ever ask for any compliments from me because I simply can’t see where I could possibly compliment you; you honestly just fall short across the board. If by some chance you do exceed expectations, I will be sure to sabotage those efforts because the focus needs to stay on me; I will not let you diminish me. • I may exploit others without guilt or shame: I cannot be bothered by conventional niceties. I don’t want to try to understand how you feel about anything that I do because, I want and need to do this and please keeps your drivel about lacking empathy to yourself. You are frankly more of an object to me—there to serve my needs. If I must sign your name to a loan that you didn’t even know about, then I will! If I must take credit for your work and then tell management that you didn’t turn it in a timely manner so the task fell to me…I will. Everyman for himself and this is a zero-sum game and I will win. • I will demean, intimidate, bully or belittle you so you know you just how little I think of you…failure: In a rare moment of weakness I might have felt impressed by you..(I know other people think you come off as confident and likeable…but I don’t…I’m better). I see you also have a common connection with the boss and you think you are better than me…I will fix that! I will easily neutralize you and let you know that even though you think you have an in, so do I …the boss will hear one of my greatest stories…you will be playing the part of the peasant and villain! Ha! OR…”Do you always eat like that? Why is the silverware drawer not in perfect order? Is that really that hard? Why do I have to come home from work and do another 3 hrs of work cleaning up around here? I’m exhausted all the time (inference: your presence and lack of value is draining my soul).
Does any of this hit home? I could have written a novel over some of the characteristics and stories I have heard and counseled others on (and even myself!!) All people are wired differently, and narcissism even appears to have degrees of severity. The common thread though is that it quietly devalues its victims and if you have endured narcissistic (abuse) a bigger part of your life its time to wake up and recognize it for what it is. Don’t let it cloud reality. Narcissism seeks to devalue others in order to make them feel better about themselves (even if it’s all false narratives that they project onto others…it still provides relief for themselves). Don’t let these projections hold any weight over you. These false narratives can’t stop you unless you give them the power to! For more informative content for your coaching practice or business check out Inspired Action Life Strategies or contact inspiredactionlife@gmail.com.
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