From Spectator…to Creator of Your Life

“It’s not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living”

Is this you? Is this lots of people that you know? How positively sad is this notion?  I can say, from personal experience, that when I read this quote it was a life changing moment.  Like a thunderbolt straight from the sky it stopped me dead in my tracks.  I knew, very intimately well, that I was meant to see and FEEL that quote.  It was me!  It perfectly described my life at that moment in time!  I felt sick because the truth overtook me like hot lava from an erupting volcano from deep inside me.  I had lived this many years of my life….and what….exactly…did I have to show for it?  What accomplishment could I boast of? What amazing travel had I partaken of? What incredible heights had my career soared to? What talents or gifts had I utilized to get personal satisfaction from? what? what? what?………….. Nothing….

It killed me to have to admit this to myself and to be forced to take inventory of my life and see where I was and more importantly HOW and WHY I got there.  It was almost too overwhelming to consider.  I had done everything “right” up to this point.  I played by the rules, I was a “good” girl, I always considered others feeling/needs before my own.  I always followed my faith devoutly, I never was a troublemaker, perfect child, lots of friends, straight and narrow, got my college degree (right on time), took responsibility for my finances in college and of course right afterwards, dutifully worked full-time during college and directly after college so that I could responsibly take care of myself.  I met and married an equally responsible man, lived a respectful suburban life continued to pursue my career path (not goals….notice I said career path…there was no dreaming involved in this choice…just responsibility in exchange for money).  Right on cue started a family and chose to jump out of the corporate world to be mom…full-time.  Never really looked back since then.  I did jump in and out of the corporate world at different times over the past few years but ultimately just didn’t feel right….it was really strained at home which made me feel strained at work which left me mentally and emotionally drained so ultimately I went back to being the most familiar and comfortable role….mom.. CEO of Home Enterprises.  Do I regret that decision? Not even for a split second!  The best job of all.  I’m a natural at it!  It’s like a duck to water for me.  I love it, it was/is fulfilling in a lot of different ways and I wouldn’t change it…….so what’s the problem ?..(you may be asking)

Well, I lost something along the way…….ME!

I lost me.  Where was I? Who was I? What was I?  Had I even ever taken the time to stop and consider any of these questions upon my life path or was I too busy pleasing everyone else and trying not to burden anyone to really connect with who I am and what did I want and what made me happy and what am I actually good at and most incredibly….do I have dreams of my own that I want to fulfill?  I honestly and sadly really could not answer any of those questions with any type of certainty or clarity.  I really couldn’t.

I better get busy living, or get busy dying…

So now what?  What do I do with this stark reality?  What was my next move?  Well, of course my next move was ….I cried!  I cried a ton of tears…a full raging river of tears actually.  I looked back just briefly over the landscape of my years and realized several things but the most prominent thing was…that I was just merely surviving, existing in body but never was I living with any sense of consciousness or purpose just functioning only.  Getting stuff done.  Hitting the marks of all the little things in life that have to be taken care of with kids a husband a house pets schoolwork etc etc.  I was trying to be Supermom..I threw my whole identity in with that.  This was very enjoyable but the dark side of it, which I was was coming to slowly reckon with, was that none of this had anything to do with my personal gifts talents needs validations affirmations etc.  Not one bit of this was deriving any personal stretching and strengthening of my legs so to speak.  Had any of this developed me as a human with my own spirit and my own set of needs that needed to be met or filled?  Sure, I felt (feel) infinitely joyful when my kids met certain milestones along the way and I always feel happy and grateful to be around them and see them grow up healthy and happy…that is an immeasurable joy…for sure!  The gnawing in my heart and soul was not that I didn’t love my current life situation it  was that I never ever felt free to develop a sense of individuality or adventure or accomplishment along the way for myself and now I had been reduced down to living vicariously through my family’s accomplishments and my husband who is very accomplished in his own life…but then there was me…..an accessory in everyone’s life…even my own.  Always the earrings but never the dress…so to speak.

I was an OPTION…to be taken or left by literally everyone…even myself.  

I made myself an option and the sickening part of this was I was secretly blaming others for this for being “unappreciated” by everyone.. on my boo-hoo sad feeling sorry for myself days…until I realized, in a then rudimentary way,…that I didn’t appreciate me, or my life circumstance, or my value as a human soul, or my dreams, or my gifts and or talents (whatever they were..I wasn’t quite sure at that point!!)  So having another “aha” cathartic moment, did I then realize that I had better start making myself a priority or I would never have the right to expect anybody else to make me a priority…to make me feel “worthy” or whole or loved until I realized that it had to start right here with ME!!!!  What a revelation!!!

This was a year and a half ago and I have covered a lot of emotional and physical territory and transformation since that time.  I almost feel that my DNA has nearly changed, it’s that drastic.  My blog series will chronicle these stages of transformation that are not only incredible to me but also very very accessible to everyone that takes breath into their lungs…everyone’s life can change and I will tell you my story and my updates in my consecutive blogs and share with you information on Mind, Body and Soul transformations that have taken place in my life almost like magic.  I’m just a regular person not born into or married into any place of “privilege” so I promise you I’m as regular as your own neighbor and if transformation of this level can happen in my life….it can most definitely happen in yours!  Stay tuned…your life is so so worth it!!  Exciting times ahead!!!

What next?…Coming out of the Fog………